Dear God,
Today was a tiring day for me. I did not sleep early last night and woke up early for morning shift today. I felt blur this morning at work during posting. I did a couple of things quite badly and felt quite ashamed of myself. I was running up and down the place fetching and sending stuff because the ward became busy all of the sudden. Nevertheless, I know all these are necessary as its the least I can help them with. But I do feel a bit lost at times. But I still get to learn from what I see and what I do. Even from the embarrassing stuff that I sometimes do. Thank you God for all the opportunities for me as I stay alive each day. Forgive me for not using my life each day as good enough as You want me to use it. I pray for guidance, wisdom, and for strength, to carry out each day fulfilling Your purpose.
Dear God..
I feel stressed out. About a lot of things. Especially my studies. I plan and try hard, but I am always so tired and feel lazy. Help me Lord. I place it all into Your hands. I pray humbly and sincerely. Forgive me Lord. I'm often proud and forget about You. I often worry and took things into my own hands and try to figure it out my way. Teach me how to seek You first. teach me not to lean on my own understanding and power but to trust and surrender to You. Everything is just around the corner, like AGM preparations and other postings, my pilling reflective journals, my AGM report and presentation, changing rooms to old wing, my research and management, my procedures to achieve, my checklist to sign, my assignments, my revision questions to do with my group, my House finals. The list goes on, just like any other college attending 20 year old. But heavenly Father, I would just like to take this moment to surrender everything to You deep inside again and again and again. Everything. Teach me and grant me faith Lord. I do not have sufficient. I believe your Love and Grace is sufficient for me. I am willing to learn. I am your daughter. And I believe You will not turn away from me each time I reach out to You.
Teach me how to ride on your faith and hope Lord. And be set free in Your grace. Guide me to walk in the path that you have prepared for me Lord. Teach me to desire and long for you Lord. Help me. I feel helpless and weak, but I have a strong and absolutely awesome God. One that is awesome that I am speechless in awe of Him. Lord I long to have that close relationship to You. Draw me nearer each day. To read Your word. To talk to You and to listen to You.
Dear God and Father, In Jesus name I pray.
I placed these 196 days into your hands, Dear God.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
A late post
Wow. Posting in ICU can be quite taxing. I like it there. So much for me to learn. And its like I know so little! And feel quite useless there especially when I can only watch and don't know much. Gotta go through those fat books that I borrowed from the library about critical care nursing.
I'm happy that I cleaned my room yesterday. Gonna keep trying at it for the rest of my life: keep tidy and clean. Tidy and clean. Tidy and clean. Hehe.
And not forgetting my pending issues to settle. And tonight's meeting for the research and management team. I will try my best. Rest optimally. Pray and read the bible!
206 days. Stay in check, Esther!
Love and peace.
I'm happy that I cleaned my room yesterday. Gonna keep trying at it for the rest of my life: keep tidy and clean. Tidy and clean. Tidy and clean. Hehe.
And not forgetting my pending issues to settle. And tonight's meeting for the research and management team. I will try my best. Rest optimally. Pray and read the bible!
206 days. Stay in check, Esther!
Love and peace.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Staying awake
Wow. I really don't know how I made it till this hour. From 10.30 p.m. of 16th November until now. more than 21 hours awake. It was no joke studying for communicable diseases and nervous system. And I went through the roller coasters of burning the midnight oil. Tiredness, feeling high and energetic, attack of gastric pain and constant farting, then depressive mood followed by severe fatigue. Basically, I can say that this is a very lazy blog today because I am so tired. Especially when I really wanna do more things and study to prepare for posting at ICU, morning shift tomorrow. I think I will just go to sleep not long after this. Although there were a lot of things and stuff to say today, but fatigue silence it all. My head is missing my dear lovely pillow. Rest to continue fighting tomorrow. And I miss my mummy super much. Super super much!
Lesson learnt at church today.I really really have to turn to God. I have to make time. MAKE TIME FOR GOD!
208. I will not give up. And make time!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lesson learnt at church today.I really really have to turn to God. I have to make time. MAKE TIME FOR GOD!
208. I will not give up. And make time!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, November 16, 2012
Post Special Senses Exam
Special senses oh special senses~All my special sense are feeling blunt after the long hours of studying. I stayed up till 4 a.m. plus this morning. And the cute thing is my roommates' alarms started sounding even before I'm ready to sleep, and they are still sleeping soundly without any stirring at all.
Case No 1:
My roommate Miss SCKM who set her alarm at 4.30 a.m. Her alarm clock sounded like mine, for the first time. And I took a few seconds blinking at my own alarm clock. No way, the sound is not coming from there. The sound waves of an alarm clock screaming travels from the direction of my dear roommie Miss SCKM. I took a long stare at her. She was lying still like a dead log, in exceptional style. I stared hard to double confirm. No doubt, the mind of a student studying until the wee hours in the morning are half awake and unable to act critically. Synapse fired through in a split second and I took up my phone and dialed her number. Bingo! She stirred and aroused and look at her phone (which is right under her pillow). I disconnected the call. She looked at me with wide eyes. The alarm clock continued to scream diligently. She seemed to be quite deaf however. We took a moment staring at each other. Amazingly she picked up the alarm clock and off the alarm. Phew~~~ Ey? I thought she was going to wake up? She laid her head back onto to the pillow, just to have another welcoming alarm singing away from her samsung smartphone: LOUD and BLARING at her ears. She merely sat up and calmly touched the screen and the singing stopped. I thought this time she will wake up as planned. I looked again. She is fast asleep. In exceptional style again.
Case No 2:
My roommate Miss SJMJBM who set her alarm at around 5 a.m. The time when I finally set my head on the pillow to relax my brain. Buzzing sounds thundered from the sky (she was sleeping at the top of a double decker and me on the floor) and stronger voices started to sing: " IM AT A PAYPHONE TRYING TO CALL HOME ALL OF MY CHANGE SPEND ON YOU...WHERE HAVE THE TIMES GONE BABY ITS ALL WRONG WHERE R THE PLANS WE MADE FOR TWO???!!!"
I was hoping in my mind, half asleep: Dearie, wake up, your alarm is hollering for you....! The alarm sounded till it stopped. Phew~~~I thought. As I settled to sleep again..... "buzzz buzzz buzzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz~~ IM AT A PAYPHONE TRYING TO CALL HOME ALL OF MY CHANGE SPEND ON YOU........"
I was feeling like: WOW! O.O Nevertheless I slowly drifted away to sleep into my dreams~~. And something woke me up from my dreams: "IM AT A PAYPHONE TRYING TO CALL HOME ALL OF MY CHANGE SPEND ON YOU........"
Omo! I was so surprised :) and she is fast asleep sweetly, unaware of the constant alien buzzing and lights flashing with repetitive music.
Finally, I manage to sleep till 7 a.m. Exam is at 8 a. m. Exam was...Oh well, all's well. Not superb but managable.
And ashamed of myself, today my tutors checked my super duper messy room. When it is in a total state of distasteful disaster. OH well, my fault. But I wish its my mummy with the cane, rather than my tutors with smartphones. Nevertheless, after my exams my room will have a good scrub and spring cleaning :D. One of my roommates was upset about the incident. really hope I can cheer her up.
Cheer up dearie! I'm sorry about the messy room incident. We promise we keep it nice and clean and pretty especially when we shift to the new room okay? Hugs!
209days. Praise the Lord for everything
Case No 1:
My roommate Miss SCKM who set her alarm at 4.30 a.m. Her alarm clock sounded like mine, for the first time. And I took a few seconds blinking at my own alarm clock. No way, the sound is not coming from there. The sound waves of an alarm clock screaming travels from the direction of my dear roommie Miss SCKM. I took a long stare at her. She was lying still like a dead log, in exceptional style. I stared hard to double confirm. No doubt, the mind of a student studying until the wee hours in the morning are half awake and unable to act critically. Synapse fired through in a split second and I took up my phone and dialed her number. Bingo! She stirred and aroused and look at her phone (which is right under her pillow). I disconnected the call. She looked at me with wide eyes. The alarm clock continued to scream diligently. She seemed to be quite deaf however. We took a moment staring at each other. Amazingly she picked up the alarm clock and off the alarm. Phew~~~ Ey? I thought she was going to wake up? She laid her head back onto to the pillow, just to have another welcoming alarm singing away from her samsung smartphone: LOUD and BLARING at her ears. She merely sat up and calmly touched the screen and the singing stopped. I thought this time she will wake up as planned. I looked again. She is fast asleep. In exceptional style again.
Case No 2:
My roommate Miss SJMJBM who set her alarm at around 5 a.m. The time when I finally set my head on the pillow to relax my brain. Buzzing sounds thundered from the sky (she was sleeping at the top of a double decker and me on the floor) and stronger voices started to sing: " IM AT A PAYPHONE TRYING TO CALL HOME ALL OF MY CHANGE SPEND ON YOU...WHERE HAVE THE TIMES GONE BABY ITS ALL WRONG WHERE R THE PLANS WE MADE FOR TWO???!!!"
I was hoping in my mind, half asleep: Dearie, wake up, your alarm is hollering for you....! The alarm sounded till it stopped. Phew~~~I thought. As I settled to sleep again..... "buzzz buzzz buzzzzzzzz buzzzzzzz~~ IM AT A PAYPHONE TRYING TO CALL HOME ALL OF MY CHANGE SPEND ON YOU........"
I was feeling like: WOW! O.O Nevertheless I slowly drifted away to sleep into my dreams~~. And something woke me up from my dreams: "IM AT A PAYPHONE TRYING TO CALL HOME ALL OF MY CHANGE SPEND ON YOU........"
Omo! I was so surprised :) and she is fast asleep sweetly, unaware of the constant alien buzzing and lights flashing with repetitive music.
Finally, I manage to sleep till 7 a.m. Exam is at 8 a. m. Exam was...Oh well, all's well. Not superb but managable.
And ashamed of myself, today my tutors checked my super duper messy room. When it is in a total state of distasteful disaster. OH well, my fault. But I wish its my mummy with the cane, rather than my tutors with smartphones. Nevertheless, after my exams my room will have a good scrub and spring cleaning :D. One of my roommates was upset about the incident. really hope I can cheer her up.
Cheer up dearie! I'm sorry about the messy room incident. We promise we keep it nice and clean and pretty especially when we shift to the new room okay? Hugs!
209days. Praise the Lord for everything
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Sore
Oh its was such good news when i woke up at 2 am today to find out that i have my monthly surprise again. And coincidentally I have to buck up and strap on all my ammunition for the exams coming up in less than 12 hours, and the exams will last for consecutively 2 days. :( This good news definitely had my spirits going high down.
And I searched for my hot water bag. It was leaking. Better news. I threw away my hot water bag feeling pathetic. And I went back to bed. When i woke up again, the pain felt worse. Nevertheless! I shall not give up.
Reminder: 210 days. Its coming soon. I can do it, because Jesus Christ is my Lord.
And I searched for my hot water bag. It was leaking. Better news. I threw away my hot water bag feeling pathetic. And I went back to bed. When i woke up again, the pain felt worse. Nevertheless! I shall not give up.
Reminder: 210 days. Its coming soon. I can do it, because Jesus Christ is my Lord.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Post mental health exam
Reporting from my room right after today's 1 hour and 15 minutes of mental health final examination for this semester. I scribbled hard on the answer sheets until the intense feel of lactic acid build up on my forearm and I continued to the verge of contracting a cramp. My writings started from tidy to artistic to scrawling. As i was immersed in the usual evolution in the exam hours, i realized that i drifted away from the exam world for 2 minutes. I looked at the clock and snapped back to reality as the time shows 10 minutes more and i have a whole section of a 6 mark question not done yet. Alas! I couldnt finish the last question well but still, Ive done my best and I am proud of myself.
To God be the glory. 211 days to the day. Work hard!
To God be the glory. 211 days to the day. Work hard!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Sleepy sleepy
Oh my oh my... i am so sleepy! Since early morning when i couldn't seem to get out of bed. Ah... my wretched sleep debt is pulling me back to sleep constantly. And what i dread most is that the time is ticking away constantly. Ticking away to tomorrow, which is my final exam for mental health! and I have only done 30% for revision. Goodness gracious me.
Oh Esther Cheng. Buck up buck up buck up!!! 212 days to LJM!
and few hours more to Sem 5 final exams.
and your Secretary file!! O.O omo.....
and few hours more to Sem 5 final exams.
and your Secretary file!! O.O omo.....
God... please help me now. I feel helpless without You.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Decision Day
Today. I decided to take this big step forward and put my foot down on this: my perseverance and hard work will start from today onwards! No more procrastination. Today: 12/11/12. There will be the final exams from this semester on 14/11, 16/11 and 17/11. I only have less than 72 hours to prepare for it starting from this moment. Nevertheless, its too late to complain or blame anybody for it. I will sprint and present my level best under these circumstances.
The main game is on 13/6/2012. Where everything that i have learnt in these 3 years will be put to the ultimate test. I have 213 days to the day. 213 for me to cover what I have to master in 3 years. Esther Cheng, straighten up your backbone and get some action starting!
Not forgetting the minor but important sidelines that i need to accomplish without delayed and present it with satisfactory standards.
Id, ego and super ego. Now I have to fully utilize my superego and deploy my ego to mediate any rigidity and stress out of place. Place my priorities and eyes on God, and honor my parents and family members, then go for it! I hereby proclaim that: Nothing is impossible through Christ Jesus who gives me the strength! He is the beginning and the source of wisdom, faith, patience, courage and love. I have to learn. There is so much for me to learn. So much that i feel so humbled by the thought of it.
God please grant me the motivation, strength and wisdom. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.
The main game is on 13/6/2012. Where everything that i have learnt in these 3 years will be put to the ultimate test. I have 213 days to the day. 213 for me to cover what I have to master in 3 years. Esther Cheng, straighten up your backbone and get some action starting!
Not forgetting the minor but important sidelines that i need to accomplish without delayed and present it with satisfactory standards.
Id, ego and super ego. Now I have to fully utilize my superego and deploy my ego to mediate any rigidity and stress out of place. Place my priorities and eyes on God, and honor my parents and family members, then go for it! I hereby proclaim that: Nothing is impossible through Christ Jesus who gives me the strength! He is the beginning and the source of wisdom, faith, patience, courage and love. I have to learn. There is so much for me to learn. So much that i feel so humbled by the thought of it.
God please grant me the motivation, strength and wisdom. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Into Your Hands
I wanna go home~~
I wanna gooo home~~~~
I want my mummyyyyy~~~~
Goodness me...
I feel just like a little girl again.
But having to do big and stressful things.
"Mummyyyyyyyy~~~~" *shouts*
But I have to learn how to face things with God. I always try to face on my own. I know that's what mummy and daddy wants me to learn too.
Nobody is perfect. But God is. He holds everything in the palm of His hand.
And I am just that wee little bit that is so tiny but He will never overlook me.
I am lost and I want to be found. I want to belong to God.
And everytime, everytime i think about God, I am just so humbled and ashamed.
Into Your hands, I commit again with all I am. Commit my mummy, daddy, and brother to you too.
I wanna gooo home~~~~
I want my mummyyyyy~~~~
Goodness me...
I feel just like a little girl again.
But having to do big and stressful things.
"Mummyyyyyyyy~~~~" *shouts*
But I have to learn how to face things with God. I always try to face on my own. I know that's what mummy and daddy wants me to learn too.
Nobody is perfect. But God is. He holds everything in the palm of His hand.
And I am just that wee little bit that is so tiny but He will never overlook me.
I am lost and I want to be found. I want to belong to God.
And everytime, everytime i think about God, I am just so humbled and ashamed.
Into Your hands, I commit again with all I am. Commit my mummy, daddy, and brother to you too.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
ME
Me. I am me. Wow. Since I don't remember when, i find myself wondering why i am me. Why i am not somebody else?
Then i realised this amazing truth: i am me cause God planned me to be me :)
And being me is difficult most of the time. I always try so hard not to wish that im some other people. Reality is always that i am me. Even looking at myself, i am at awe at how awesome my God is. Big smile for that. But i am still struggling hard to be at peace at just being myself. I am me.
I believe that God is in charge. I believe God has never left. I believe God is my almighty and awesome God. I just have to let Him in totally and more. All I ever want when i turn 20 is to be able to serve God the way He want me to. Not to do things cause i want to.
I am me. To walk God's plan for me. Not to fit God into my plan. He will never let me down. He's my heavenly father.
Sincerely,
To myself.
Then i realised this amazing truth: i am me cause God planned me to be me :)
And being me is difficult most of the time. I always try so hard not to wish that im some other people. Reality is always that i am me. Even looking at myself, i am at awe at how awesome my God is. Big smile for that. But i am still struggling hard to be at peace at just being myself. I am me.
I believe that God is in charge. I believe God has never left. I believe God is my almighty and awesome God. I just have to let Him in totally and more. All I ever want when i turn 20 is to be able to serve God the way He want me to. Not to do things cause i want to.
I am me. To walk God's plan for me. Not to fit God into my plan. He will never let me down. He's my heavenly father.
Sincerely,
To myself.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
I Miss You
I miss you! Mummy, daddy, kor kor John, didi Kok Siew, and those people who will stay with me when im down to make me smile! I miss you guys a lot!
Saturday, June 9, 2012
To serve
If there's one thing i want to do in my life, it is to serve God. Nothing else can beat that goal. Though my life is in a considerable mess, with God nothing is impossible!
Monday, May 14, 2012
A simple prayer
Its been a long time again. Sigh. I'm in desperate need of improvement. God, please grant me the wisdom. I feel myself in the need and lack of so much standard that is necessary, especially for a 20 year old. For a graduating student nurse. And Lord, teach me how to live for your purpose, and to be spontaneous, to not be stereotyped and not to follow blindly, to play within the rules but think and perform out of the box. I feel the desperate need of that. In Jesus name, amen :)
In around a month and few days time, I will be officially 20 years old. wow. its been 2 decades already. Looking back, I have grown, but disappointingly insufficient. In fact in I have lost some precious faith and will. Those that only an innocent child will portray at its most pure form. The simple faith and seeking of God like a child. I need God so desperately. Even if I become insane, I wont let go of God-- my only worthwhile purpose of life.
I am in desperate need of improving my English! Its deteriorating already. O.O help~~~
My god-brother came to KL to study :) happy! I mean, at least he's nearer to me now. :) He's looking as chubby as ever. Stressed about new high standards set for him. The new responsibilities set on his shoulders. 弟弟加油噢！A god-brother that I sayang a lot. He brings smiles to my face spontaneously. Not perfect, but just as awesome as he is. Di di work hard! Jie jie give you full support too! Thank you for all the respect you have for me. I'm sorry for whatever discomfort or unhappiness I have caused you. Your birthday is few days away!
Oh ya! Happy mothers day, dearest mummy. Esther love you lots. MUACKS <3
In around a month and few days time, I will be officially 20 years old. wow. its been 2 decades already. Looking back, I have grown, but disappointingly insufficient. In fact in I have lost some precious faith and will. Those that only an innocent child will portray at its most pure form. The simple faith and seeking of God like a child. I need God so desperately. Even if I become insane, I wont let go of God-- my only worthwhile purpose of life.
I am in desperate need of improving my English! Its deteriorating already. O.O help~~~
My god-brother came to KL to study :) happy! I mean, at least he's nearer to me now. :) He's looking as chubby as ever. Stressed about new high standards set for him. The new responsibilities set on his shoulders. 弟弟加油噢！A god-brother that I sayang a lot. He brings smiles to my face spontaneously. Not perfect, but just as awesome as he is. Di di work hard! Jie jie give you full support too! Thank you for all the respect you have for me. I'm sorry for whatever discomfort or unhappiness I have caused you. Your birthday is few days away!
Oh ya! Happy mothers day, dearest mummy. Esther love you lots. MUACKS <3
Saturday, February 25, 2012
A Minor Achievement
Yes! I have finally achieved my procedure requirements to enter semester 4! after Much struggling that only God would know. Thank you Lord! Praise the Lord!
Now I will have to really buck up, pull up my socks and study extra hard. Mean it. No more scraping through. To know that your best is way better that what the results are showing now is saddening and disappointing. Suffer I may, I shall work hard, study, and persevere! Towards the Nursing Board Exam I aim!
God, into your hands, i commit again, with all i am for you. <3
Now I will have to really buck up, pull up my socks and study extra hard. Mean it. No more scraping through. To know that your best is way better that what the results are showing now is saddening and disappointing. Suffer I may, I shall work hard, study, and persevere! Towards the Nursing Board Exam I aim!
God, into your hands, i commit again, with all i am for you. <3
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Procrastination is a no no
Oh crap. I had a lazy 3 days holidays, mostly sleeping and lazing around. Not forgetting my outing with Emily at Mid Valley.
We watched 2 movies. It was really nice. Both mentioning about family and deeply touching.
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We watched 2 movies. It was really nice. Both mentioning about family and deeply touching.
This is the very fierce "aunty" nurse in the hospital in the movie. Which leaves me amused at the thought of who it resembles in my workplace >.^ Would i become like that? Hahaha hope not!
Jay Chou with his unshaven looks here. And the intense action scenes throughout the movie! Tough, stressful, exciting, but long. The movie was taken in Malaysia. And I was watching in awe as they were crashing through so many parts and buildings in KL. So many cars were crashed or exploded during the movie. Plus, the little girl is really super cute! It was really touching, the family part. :)
Okay, enough of being random. Woke up at a shocking 4.30pm today. I'm actually being late in a lot of my reflective journals that I need to pass up. :( And also my student council (ASFCA) secretary reports. Procrastination is really killing me! Come on Esther, buck up and rush all the reports and homework! No more lagging! *but i'm really exhausted these days. I need rest!*
No breaks today onwards :( mama mia!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
A piece of my mind
It has been like ages and ages ago since i have updated my blog. :(
*What? No 2012 post? Okay guys, time to blog* :)
Chinese New Year had just swept past.It was an awesome time. No. I had a sad Chinese New Year. I hate to admit it. I only hate the sad part though. But i like it cause its HOLIDAYS :). Life's always been pretty tough and sad for me. Sorry if you chose to read my blog, or blog walk and stumble upon my blog. You can leave if you decide you don't enjoy it or whatsoever. I blog to help me express my inner feelings, not for your entertainment.
Living with people who are unstable mentally and emotionally in life can be very tiring and hurting. But i cannot choose my family, can i? I love them so, but at the same time i feel constantly hurt with them. I do not like to feel unwanted and rejected, and at the same time know that i am loved too. The irony, the contradiction. What am i? feels as if im thrown into the valley of rejection and being rescued and loved again. I still feel unaccepted. I feel imbalanced. And i hate myself. Because i feel abnormal.
My roommate and bestie Serena Jocelyn Miranda (she'll sure smile at the full name), often exclaims loudly : God always has His plans! And very often, it sucks!!! I can totally feel that. But i do disagree in silence, that it sucks. Because I believe God has His ways. He brought ME to this world in such an environment, surely if I hold on to Him He won't forsake me, He'll bring me through it, and show me His plans, in His way. No matter how difficult, I will pull through with Him. And perhaps it'd be all the way till I finish my race on earth.
Its just like a cup, full of water, if you pour further, it will all overflow and keep overflowing. That's the amount of hurt and emotions i feel, about my family. I hate to be all weak and limp about it. I somehow feel it is also difficult being them, can't control your emotions and hurt people deeply, not just emotionally but physically too. Sometimes i feel i'm of no value at all, in their eyes. I can't grow to love myself.
I don't want to comment nor judge them, even if given a chance, I won't wanna change my family, but I would want to add to each of us extra large amounts of patience, acceptance, love, gentleness and thoughtfulness. I just want us to be happy together. Grow and learn with God. I don't like it when my brother complains and blames it on mum or dad about anything bad. There's already enough of hurt, nonacceptance, sadness, and miscommunication, why add further to it? Why not react to it in a positive way and love back rather than being spiteful and hurtful about it? I know he won't listen. Because he is the big brother, i should shut up about it.
I miss mum's sweet loving smiles, gentle tone and warm hugs, rather than judgments and sharp tones which induce irritation from time to time. I miss dad's funny moves, mischievous actions and hearty laughter, rather than the fast changing moods, and the : Please don't disturb me! even when i hug him spontaneously. I miss my brother when he was the movie director with his Lego stuff, or the handsome pianist performing, and i'm always the quiet audience once upon a time. :) I have always thought that my brother is a genius. I have always been proud of him. But I have always felt he does not like me to be his sister too.
I do not like to be all deep and matured and much deeper than people years ahead of my own peers. Most of the time I just wanna be a regular girl who does not have to face these things that i feel helpless about. Wishful thinking. If I ever have a birthday wish that would come true, I wouldn't wish for iphone, camera, ipad or a car or enough money for further education or even world peace. I would just wish for a healthy and happy family. Its been a long time since we've been really happy together. Don't you feel tired that way?
Still, dad, mum and John : I love you so, don't leave me so soon.
*What? No 2012 post? Okay guys, time to blog* :)
Chinese New Year had just swept past.
Living with people who are unstable mentally and emotionally in life can be very tiring and hurting. But i cannot choose my family, can i? I love them so, but at the same time i feel constantly hurt with them. I do not like to feel unwanted and rejected, and at the same time know that i am loved too. The irony, the contradiction. What am i? feels as if im thrown into the valley of rejection and being rescued and loved again. I still feel unaccepted. I feel imbalanced. And i hate myself. Because i feel abnormal.
My roommate and bestie Serena Jocelyn Miranda (she'll sure smile at the full name), often exclaims loudly : God always has His plans! And very often, it sucks!!! I can totally feel that. But i do disagree in silence, that it sucks. Because I believe God has His ways. He brought ME to this world in such an environment, surely if I hold on to Him He won't forsake me, He'll bring me through it, and show me His plans, in His way. No matter how difficult, I will pull through with Him. And perhaps it'd be all the way till I finish my race on earth.
Its just like a cup, full of water, if you pour further, it will all overflow and keep overflowing. That's the amount of hurt and emotions i feel, about my family. I hate to be all weak and limp about it. I somehow feel it is also difficult being them, can't control your emotions and hurt people deeply, not just emotionally but physically too. Sometimes i feel i'm of no value at all, in their eyes. I can't grow to love myself.
I don't want to comment nor judge them, even if given a chance, I won't wanna change my family, but I would want to add to each of us extra large amounts of patience, acceptance, love, gentleness and thoughtfulness. I just want us to be happy together. Grow and learn with God. I don't like it when my brother complains and blames it on mum or dad about anything bad. There's already enough of hurt, nonacceptance, sadness, and miscommunication, why add further to it? Why not react to it in a positive way and love back rather than being spiteful and hurtful about it? I know he won't listen. Because he is the big brother, i should shut up about it.
I miss mum's sweet loving smiles, gentle tone and warm hugs, rather than judgments and sharp tones which induce irritation from time to time. I miss dad's funny moves, mischievous actions and hearty laughter, rather than the fast changing moods, and the : Please don't disturb me! even when i hug him spontaneously. I miss my brother when he was the movie director with his Lego stuff, or the handsome pianist performing, and i'm always the quiet audience once upon a time. :) I have always thought that my brother is a genius. I have always been proud of him. But I have always felt he does not like me to be his sister too.
I do not like to be all deep and matured and much deeper than people years ahead of my own peers. Most of the time I just wanna be a regular girl who does not have to face these things that i feel helpless about. Wishful thinking. If I ever have a birthday wish that would come true, I wouldn't wish for iphone, camera, ipad or a car or enough money for further education or even world peace. I would just wish for a healthy and happy family. Its been a long time since we've been really happy together. Don't you feel tired that way?
Still, dad, mum and John : I love you so, don't leave me so soon.
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