A Minor Achievement

Yes! I have finally achieved my procedure requirements to enter semester 4! after Much struggling that only God would know. Thank you Lord! Praise the Lord!

Now I will have to really buck up, pull up my socks and study extra hard. Mean it. No more scraping through. To know that your best is way better that what the results are showing now is saddening and disappointing. Suffer I may, I shall work hard, study, and persevere! Towards the Nursing Board Exam I aim!

God, into your hands, i commit again, with all i am for you. <3

Procrastination is a no no

Oh crap. I had a lazy 3 days holidays, mostly sleeping and lazing around. Not forgetting my outing with Emily at Mid Valley.

We watched 2 movies. It was really nice. Both mentioning about family and deeply touching.

This is the very fierce "aunty" nurse in the hospital in the movie. Which leaves me amused at the thought of who it resembles in my workplace >.^ Would i become like that? Hahaha hope not!

Jay Chou with his unshaven looks here. And the intense action scenes throughout the movie! Tough, stressful, exciting, but long. The movie was taken in Malaysia. And I was watching in awe as they were crashing through so many parts and buildings in KL. So many cars were crashed or exploded during the movie. Plus, the little girl is really super cute! It was really touching, the family part. :)

Okay, enough of being random. Woke up at a shocking 4.30pm today. I'm actually being late in a lot of my reflective journals that I need to pass up. :( And also my student council (ASFCA) secretary reports. Procrastination is really killing me! Come on Esther, buck up and rush all the reports and homework! No more lagging! *but i'm really exhausted these days. I need rest!* 

No breaks today onwards :( mama mia!

A piece of my mind

It has been like ages and ages ago since i have updated my blog. :(

*What? No 2012 post? Okay guys, time to blog* :)

Chinese New Year had just swept past. It was an awesome time. No. I had a sad Chinese New Year. I hate to admit it. I only hate the sad part though. But i like it cause its HOLIDAYS :). Life's always been pretty tough and sad for me. Sorry if you chose to read my blog, or blog walk and stumble upon my blog. You can leave if you decide you don't enjoy it or whatsoever. I blog to help me express my inner feelings, not for your entertainment.

Living with people who are unstable mentally and emotionally in life can be very tiring and hurting. But i cannot choose my family, can i? I love them so, but at the same time i feel constantly hurt with them. I do not like to feel unwanted and rejected, and at the same time know that i am loved too. The irony, the contradiction. What am i? feels as if im thrown into the valley of rejection and being rescued and loved again. I still feel unaccepted. I feel imbalanced. And i hate myself. Because i feel abnormal.

My roommate and bestie Serena Jocelyn Miranda (she'll sure smile at the full name), often exclaims loudly : God always has His plans! And very often, it sucks!!! I can totally feel that. But i do disagree in silence, that it sucks. Because I believe God has His ways. He brought ME to this world in such an environment, surely if I hold on to Him He won't forsake me, He'll bring me through it, and show me His plans, in His way. No matter how difficult, I will pull through with Him. And perhaps it'd be all the way till I finish my race on earth.

Its just like a cup, full of water, if you pour further, it will all overflow and keep overflowing. That's the amount of hurt and emotions i feel, about my family. I hate to be all weak and limp about it. I somehow feel it is also difficult being them, can't control your emotions and hurt people deeply, not just emotionally but physically too. Sometimes i feel i'm of no value at all, in their eyes. I can't grow to love myself.

I don't want to comment nor judge them, even if given a chance, I won't wanna change my family, but I would want to add to each of us extra large amounts of patience, acceptance, love, gentleness and thoughtfulness. I just want us to be happy together. Grow and learn with God. I don't like it when my brother complains and blames it on mum or dad about anything bad. There's already enough of hurt, nonacceptance, sadness, and miscommunication, why add further to it? Why not react to it in a positive way and love back rather than being spiteful and hurtful about it? I know he won't listen. Because he is the big brother, i should shut up about it.

I miss mum's sweet loving smiles, gentle tone and warm hugs, rather than judgments and sharp tones which induce irritation from time to time. I miss dad's funny moves, mischievous actions and hearty laughter, rather than the fast changing moods, and the : Please don't disturb me! even when i hug him spontaneously. I miss  my brother when he was the movie director with his Lego stuff, or the handsome pianist performing, and i'm always the quiet audience once upon a time. :) I have always thought that my brother is a genius. I have always been proud of him. But I have always felt he does not like me to be his sister too.

I do not like to be all deep and matured and much deeper than people years ahead of my own peers. Most of the time I just wanna be a regular girl who does not have to face these things that i feel helpless about. Wishful thinking. If I ever have a birthday wish that would come true, I wouldn't wish for iphone, camera, ipad or a car or enough money for further education or even world peace. I would just wish for a healthy and happy family. Its been a long time since we've been really happy together. Don't you feel tired that way?

Still, dad, mum and John : I love you so, don't leave me so soon.